Dear Lorna

My family is getting together this Christmas at my parent’s house and I am taking my girlfriend.  I want to propose to her over the holidays, but I am afraid that my family will end up fighting (they always do) and will ruin everything.  What can I do? 

A.M.

Dear A.M.

Christmas is a time of traditions which take us back to childhood. Everyone who has married or has blended families knows the difficulties of satisfying everyone’s desire to make it like it was in childhood, or in the movies! Unfortunately, family fights may be part of the family tradition, and may be as innocent as lively discussions or as damaging as full blown wars which leave everyone injured.  The old childhood feelings surface in your parents’ home as you step across the threshold and you return to playing the role you were assigned or took on in childhood.

You are not going to be able to change this in a short period of time.  It requires growing up and the ability to hold onto the mature you in these situations.  This is your tribe of origin and any change in tribal rules takes the will of all. You are afraid that “they” will ruin everything but what part do you have in it? Why not let your girlfriend see your real family, if she is going to choose to be a part of it? Discuss it with her before you go, and also look at yourself and the role you play in the family dynamics. What triggers the fighting?  Do you need to forgive something before you go?  Try to see things from an outsider’s perspective, and try to be the mature person that you (hopefully) have become. The number one rule is that you can only change yourself.

I do hope that you are not planning an “ambush” proposal, putting your girlfriend on the hot seat in front of your family?  I believe that a marriage proposal should be private and intimate, but after that is done, the happy occasion might give your family a reason to be nice to each other. Pick the timing carefully, and I wish you many happy years.