"Dear Lorna:

My children are growing up so fast!  How can I be sure that they will tell me everything that is going on with them when they are teenagers? 
- S.M.E. "

Dear S.M.E.

It is not likely that you will know everything so get used to it.  Teenagers generally like to put their parents on a need to know basis.  There are a few things to remember to make sure that you know what you need to know to be a good parent and to keep them safe.

First ask yourself why your teenagers would not tell you what is going on in their lives?   Fear of disappointing you, enraging you, worrying you.  To avoid punishment, lectures, being told how stupid they are, how ungrateful, and those dreaded “in my day” stories.  Lack of trust: you won’t keep their secrets safe, or you might use it against them at a later date.  Or maybe because you don’t listen anyway, or you don’t understand so why bother.  Sometimes they just get a kick out of getting away with something, fooling the adults. Sometimes it is just private and they are entitled to their privacy.  So start early in their lives to listen without lecturing.  Praise them for growing and learning instead of only for results. Don’t let your own fears come spilling out all over them when the bad things happen.  Be calm, be cool, and don’t freak out when they tell you things. To help you to understand their world, engage them in conversations about items you see on the news about teen culture, without making it personal.  Don’t force any confessions, just let them hear your questions and views and let them join in if they want. But please, don’t try to talk like them or dress like them, that simply is not cool.

So why would your teenagers talk to you anyway?  To connect and feel close to you.  When they are scared and don’t know what to do. When they are proud and want to share it. When they are happy and want to make you happy too. When they are lonely. When they want the car. Because you know who they are and they can be themselves, at their best and at their worst.  Because they know you love them as unique individuals, and not as an extension of you.  Because you are there when they want to talk, not just when you want to talk.  And sometimes, they want you to be the parent and say no because they can’t say no.

Remember, you want respect and they want respect.  You want them to say sorry and they want you to say sorry.  Anyway,  they magically transform at about age 25 into friendly, sensible, talkative, interesting people with stories that you were glad you didn’t know when they were 15!

- Lorna